Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
