Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
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and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
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He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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