i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter