So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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