Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
