thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
