I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
