I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
