It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
