I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
