She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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