After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She tied me up with her honor cords...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
