Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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