I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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