All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
