Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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