Moan for me like Helen Keller
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
