i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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