im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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