I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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