maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
