When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
