If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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