If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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