im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Randomize
