Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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