Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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