dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
