You smell like stripper and shame
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
