next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
