i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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