He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just want nice things and good sex
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
