The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
