Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
