3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
