Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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