I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
