I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
