I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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