Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Found your dick twin last night
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
