I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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