it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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