I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
