We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i dont even know how to be here
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
