Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
