The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
