Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
