i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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