wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
