I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
