I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
