Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
