That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
