how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
