the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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