Say something about gay babies.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
