I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
