I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
