I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
